For my first post…
…I’ll just say that sometimes I really, really hate my life. Sure it sounds like some emo teen-angst bullshit but it’s true. I’ve lived so long with depression, and anxiety, and this damned sheep-in-fox’s-clothing ADHD. I try really hard but still manage to fuck myself over. Some people I know think of me as being very positive and upbeat, with a great outlook on life.
It’s all a lie.
I’ve been told that I should “fake it until I make it,” that is, pretend that my life is alright and sooner or later it will end up that way. I’ve experienced limited success, but then as soon as things are going well for me, something always comes in and fucks it all up again.
I realize that women and girls are a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE thing that “sets me off.” As soon as I fail yet another time in dealing with women I automatically feel like shit and that life no longer matters.
It’s very juvenile of me to say so, but sometimes I wish I could just end the suffering. The only problem with that is in order for me to selfishly end my own pain, I’d need to cause irreparable damage to other peoples’ lives, which is something I just can’t bring myself to do.
Who knows who’s actually reading this, and if you actually care. You probably don’t.
If you’re life is as fucked up as mine — or better than mine/worse than mine — then at least you know that you’re not alone.
*I* feel like I’m alone… because for the most part, I am. Nobody understands the pain of a mind that is broken. Nobody understands the pain of being alone with your thoughts all the time with no way of expressing them adequately to the world. Nobody understands that you’ve tried to gain silence but ultimately failed to solve the problem. Nobody understands what it’s like to hate yourself and everything you do. Nobody understands what it’s like to purposely continue smoking only because it will one day end your life sooner. Nobody understands what it’s like to hate your own mind because it’s just too powerful, and you were never properly taught how to control it.
Most people have no clue.
Fuck this. That’s enough for now.
April 14, 2008 at 2:54 pm
There you are terribly wrong, there are more people out there that know your pain and in some cases more – no one is immune and no one doesn’t suffer for the one thing that ALL humans have is emotion, doesn’t matter their race, their gender, sexuality or religion, everyone has emotion… Some just hide it better than others…
April 24, 2008 at 11:25 am
I know it’s tripe, and probably the worst thing in the world when someone says or types “I know how you feel,” so I won’t say that, because nobody ever really “knows,” right? But I will say that I, at the very least, understand. I have gone through, and still go through, very similar thought processes. I know you argued that women tend to fuck things up, and honestly, i COMPLETELY agree with you. given my choice, I wouldn’t be one. women always cause so many unnecessary problems, including myself (probably why I can relate so much to ’self-hate’)… Anyway, I may be a chick, but we should stick together regardless. You’ve already helped me more than you probably realize, and all I can offer is my help in return.