Today is a bad day.

I always know that it’s a bad day when I post to this blog more than once.  This morning while I had the oh-so-stimulating task of putting hundreds of address labels on envelopes, my mind wandered and thought more about my situation.

I actually started mentally jotting down notes for what I would write in a suicide letter.  If you’re going to freak out on me, don’t — I’m not going to kill myself anytime soon.  But I thought of what I would actually say and realized that I have quite a bit to express.

I realized that I would want to tell as many people as possible that I was gone, so pinning a note to my chest simply wouldn’t suffice.  I’d have to find a mass emailer or something, have all the addresses pre-entered, then simply click send right before I left to find peace.

It really saddens me to think about such things.  I know that I’m only still alive because everyone else wants me to be.  I know that my family would be forever changed and my friends forever deprived of my friendship.

But I’ve been preparing for this for years.  I’ve managed to push most of my casual acquaintences away from me so much that I don’t speak to them anymore.  I’ve managed to keep all of my so-called friends at arms length, keeping them away because letting them close would mean they would see me for what I really am.

I’ve done many things in an effort to damage my body because both subconsciously and consciously, I don’t believe I deserve happiness.  As I sit her at my cubicle, with people milling around me, I again realize just how alone I am.  There are at least a half-dozen people in my field of view, but none of them know me.  There are 68 people signed into msn, one of them my brother, and another my cousin, but neither of them really know me either.  I am completely and utterly alone with myself.  Sure there are people who will miss me, but I’m really sick of trying.

The only positive spin I can get out of all of this is that my suicide note will take me at least a couple of hours to write, if not the better part of a day.

My coworker Robyn just came by to tell me about some ticketing stuff I have to deal with.  She’s cute, but like all of my coworkers, she’s Jewish, older, and likely not interested in me.  I’m not good enough even for myself.

Man this day sucks.  The sun may come up tomorrow, but I hope I die while I sleep.  Maybe I should just take out a contract on my own life and spend my savings on something that would actually help me get relief.

Well, my lunch hour is over now.  Nobody likes a downer so it’s time to put on a happy face even though inside I’m broken.

In case you’re worried about me, I can promise you this.  I’ll live to post again.  I haven’t even started writing my lengthy note so my life is still mine for at least a while yet.  Pomegranates.