Like a wee little boat on the stormy seas…

Up and down I go.  Up one day, down the next.  A bit of recovery one day, dashed upon the rocks the next.

I don’t know how much more of this I can take.  The downs are horrible.  They are deep and dark and everything that I never want to feel.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m still getting over my strep throat, or if it’s because I took my medication late today, but I feel like crap.

I feel like I’ll never even get the chance to date my 32 year old coworker, but in all fairness, it’s not as if I’ve actually tried.  What the fuck am I waiting for?  Christmas?!?  On that thought…  Christmas may be a good time to make a move…  haha

I’m also upset because I’m worried that the cute girl I met at the doctor’s office last Thursday won’t email me back.  Granted, I only JUST emailed her now (mostly because of my anxiety and my ADHD/procrastination), but she was really awesome.  I wish I could describe all of what I discovered during that short 5 minute conversation, but words are sometimes imprecise and insufficient.  She has a head on her shoulders, she’s studying psychology (a favourite hobby of mine), she has a brother with ADHD, she has ADHD characteristics herself, she loves my political party, she’s excitable and talkative, and she was really easy to talk to.  Also, she’s pretty much my age AND she lives close by.  What more could I ask for?

I could ask for better emotions, that’s what.  When asked about his secret to success with women, Sean Connery replied, “Confidence, confidence, confidence.”  So if confidence is all I need, what the fuck am I going to do seeing as I have a) an anxiety disorder, b) a depressive disorder, c) ADHD, d) problems with procrastination, and e) a history of underachieving?  I’m not exactly a shining example of confidence.  I’m screwed.  Tony Robbins helps me a bit, but I cannot seem to sustain the good feelings he sustains in me.  I’m too comfortable with my crappy feelings.

Sigh, I want to take a nap, but I know if I do I won’t get up again tonight.  Damn my brain and it’s defects.  Damn it, damn it, damn it.