Bouncing

11:25 am

Oh I’m fighting it. This depression is eating away at me but I’m soldiering onward. I’m currently fighting the urge to go buy smokes. I hate smoking. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Cigarettes are evil. Damn them for being the only legal method of hurting myself. Damn this pain for being so alluring. Damn everything. Damn myself for not being stronger. Damn my luck with women. Damn my coworker for being so unattainable. Damn my perceptions that are probably horribly inaccurate. Screw it. Damn everything.

You know what? In my cubicle I put up a few inspirational quotes. One of them is a Japanese proverb which reads, “Fall seven times, stand up eight.” After I put it up I noticed that it’s not quite that wise. In order to stand up eight times, you need to fall eight times. If you only fall seven times, then standing up seven times will suffice to get you back on your feet. Who came up with this stuff and who was their math teacher?

1:10 pm

Damn it. I forgot to submit a renewal at work today and now I don’t know what I did or didn’t do with it. I’m doing all of the steps over again but I’m worried that because I screwed up, they won’t keep me past my 3 month probationary period. F*** F*** F***… I can’t lose this job. I’m having a horrible day. I started smoking again. Why? Not because cigarettes will solve any of my problems, but because I’m depressed and what do I do when I’m depressed? I want to hurt myself… so I smoke. I hate fighting, I wish I could just surrender and give up. Damn society for not letting me.

5:55 pm

Life is great. My coworker and I are probably going for drinks next Monday. Two thumbs up for that!! I’m in a good mood, my duties at work are being handled, and even though I’ve started smoking again, I know that I’ll be able to quit.

This may not be bi-polar disorder, but the ups and downs definitely make it feel real. Maybe I’m just fighting my depressive habitual thinking so it feels like I’m bi-polar?