The Alchemist

Here I sit, smoke in one hand, scotch in the other.  I’m home today because last night, after Canada Day celebrations, I came home and decided to read before bed.  I ended up reading until 2 am, so I took the day off work so I could sleep in.

The book I’m reading is “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho.  For those of you who haven’t read it, YOU NEED TO.  It’s the most inspiring tale I have ever read.  It’s addictive.

It makes me think about my own Personal Legend is.  For years now I’ve been a mess.  Since being a young boy, my hyperactive mind caused me to think — too much.  That in turn caused my anxiety disorder, which took it’s toll early on and caused my depressive disorder.

I’ve realized that I have pushed most of my friends away from me.  When I reconnect I have to tell them “I’m doing well,” or “I’m alright,” even though it’s essentially a continuing lie.  I need to shape up, I’ve been telling myself that for years.  How am I supposed to live out my personal legend when I’m in such a mess.

“The Alchemist” reminds me of “The Secret,” where the universe conspires to give you what you desire if you really truly believe it and live it.  I need to stop smoking, I need to stop drinking and smoking weed, I need to lose weight, and I need to stop sabotaging my own success.  I need to start succeeding.  I need to find myself and put myself back on track to realizing my Personal Legend.  When I first thought, “I need to blog this afternoon,” I had a vague idea of how to eloquently convey my thoughts, but ultimately, now that I’m here, I’m at a loss for words.

I need to start learning to properly converse with people.  I’ve been trying for years, but what I’ve learned up until now just seems inauthentic.  I feel like I’m acting.  It isn’t natural.  Amid all of the people here in the world, I feel alone with myself.  I feel like nobody can understand me, even though just a few days ago I met someone who actually does understand.  I pushed her away too.

I think the only solution is to continue reading.  That’s it for now, I’m going to finish this book.